Being the morbid person that I am, I'll first offer you the bad news- "Dirty Love," written by and starring former Playmate, MTV Wunderchick and all-around bimbo Jenny McCarthy, is truly as bad as everyone is saying it is. It's as bad as Ebert says it is in giving it zero stars. It's as bad as John Wilson, head of the Golden Raspberry Foundation, warned us it would be. It's as bad as all of these things, and possibly even worse.

Now, however, I offer you the good news. It's still better than Uwe Boll's "Alone in the Dark," and because it went primarily straight to video it's unlikely to actually capture the Razzie for Worst film this year. Of course, the fact that it was released on DVD this very week (during the Razzie nominating period) is not a good omen for its chances to avoid the Wrath of Razzie.

In fairness to McCarthy, I actually am passing this film with a D-. I can't decide whether it is a case of overwhelming pity or this weird feeling that somewhere in this mess there may have actually been a tolerable film crying to get out. I'm unsure of the reason, but I simply can't find myself failing the film completely. It is, after all, better than "Alone in the Dark," a film I flunked this year.

In the end, however, one simply can't avoid the truth. This film is horrid in every aspect that is crucial to successful filmmaking.

Jenny McCarthy's script? All I can say is this woman must suffer from the most remarkably low self-esteem known to humanity. What kind of a woman writes herself a role where she has her widely adored breasts vomited upon, where she is forced to write in the middle of a grocery store floor in the middle of her menstrual fluids, where she flails and screams like a three-year-old in the middle of the street, and where she openly pines for her one true love...an obviously self-absorbed, narcissistic, shallow and plastic model named Richard whom she catches cheating on her while waving his hands through his hair. I can ALMOST tolerate her writing the part, but for herself? Is this really how she wants the public to see her? Horrid. Sad. Pitiful.

Likewise, McCarthy's plot is non-existent, dialogue is stiff and unnatural, characters are pointless caricatures and her performance in the film is nothing short of cringeworthy. While I doubt too many Razzie wins are here, I'd be stunned if the film wasn't nominated, and McCarthy should be assured nominations for both Worst Screenplay and Worst Actress.

The sad part is that McCarthy's performance isn't even the worst of the film. The worst performance in "Dirty Love" is offered by none other than Carmen Electra as Michelle, who seems to be channeling some two-bit hip-hop hooker wannabe. Her performance is so absolutely awful that it goes beyond "fun" awful to just plain painfully awful.

In supporting roles, we suffer through the likes of Victor Webster, who brings out every cliche' known to humanity in creating the self-absorbed model. This is so bad it couldn't even be in soft-porn. Yes, it's truly that bad.

The same is true for Lochlyn Munro, an Olympic athlete turned actor, who has had quite a few secondary roles in mostly average films. Fairing not quite as badly is American Pie's Eddie Kaye Thomas, who plays Michelle's boyfriend who secretly harbors a crush on McCarthy's character. Thomas tones down his usual obnoxious smarmyness and one can't help but pity him but chuckle at the fact that Eddie Kaye Thomas actually offers the strongest performance in a film.

"Dirty Love" is directed by McCarthy's ex, John Asher, who appears to be as lacking in talent as McCarthy. Seeing as they had the lack of talent in common, one must assume that McCarthy's menstrual river actually caused the demise of the relationship. The direction here is simply horrid with awkward scenes, bland/lifeless cinematography, and an amazing lack of chemistry or cohesion within the film, the scenes and the performances.

I can't really say that "Dirty Love" is a disappointment, because I didn't really expect that much from the film. It is, however, sad to watch an attractive woman who, by all reports, is a friendly woman with a good sense of humor be caught in such woefully ugly material. It's even more sad to realize that she actually wrote the material.

"Dirty Love" is just a filthy shame, but it's still better than "Alone in the Dark."

© Written by Richard Propes
The Independent Critic